I am annoyed at you for deciding to go with Cliff to police shift rather than spend time with me. I love Cliff dearly – but sometimes I need you too.

Don’t you understand that I hate how the possibility of you getting hurt is greater because of the situation you place yourself in? This conscious decision of yours, knowing that you might get shot, and killed. Have you not been following as closely as I have how many policemen are getting injured and killed of late? You brush it off, perhaps thinking it will never happen to you, but WHAT if it does? WHAT.IF.YOU.DIE? Who are you going to be looking after then?

Don’t you know that it rips my heart out, and that I sit there worrying the whole time – wondering if you are going to come home to me… or if I will be going to your funeral tomorrow. What am I going to do if you’re gone?? You are all I am, my life, my soulmate, and I need you! Today as soon as Cliff told me you two are going on shift, this awful feeling entered my soul. My pulse started racing and I began feeling rather faint. I don’t have a good feeling about this!

I cannot possibly imagine life without you. You are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, I want to be your wife, and I want you to be the father of my children. And so if you get hurt, my fairytale will shatter, and I will not have my best friend to catch me when I fall… My life will be so devoid of any positive emotion, and I will be surrounded by the dark embracing wings of depression, holding tight…. never letting go.

I don’t think I can survive without you. I know! I know there is not one other human being that can understand me like you do. I am so in need of you, you are the drug that keeps me going. My love for you is bountiful… and if you die, I too will die. Yes, I know I cannot do this life without you, and I will join you in heaven, ruby tears seeping into the cracks on the floor, as the flow of water used to, but does no more,

God Can Heal a Broken Heart

You say I don’t understand that doing police work is your passion, but sometimes I wonder if your passion for the police is greater than your passion for me… You do it every chance you get, and I know how noble you are – but I care more for your safety than for strangers. You’re right – I am the evil one in this relationship, while you yourself are a saint. Maybe I compare myself to you a lot in order to better myself as you have bettered me. You say I don’t understand, but I understand too well.

I really do wish you would listen to me… I feel that you brush off my concerns without further concern of what your actions do to me. You would be besides yourself with worry were I in a dangerous position. How would you react if I were to be identified by you in a morgue? Would you break down in tears or emotionally distance yourself? Do you think it would be better to feel every last jab or pain and regret that you didn’t try harder to convince me to keep safe, feel guilty and angry for being so passive – trying to empty an ocean with a teacup, or would you simply feel nothing at all? Knowing that your soul mate is no longer living this life, and knowing it was within your power to stop this?

And yet I remain angry – knowing that if something does happen, I will forever be in regret that we were not on good terms when I lost you.

Please come home.



3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Gina on August 30, 2010 at 15:40

    Oh hunny!!!!
    As a sister of a reservist I know. I know that worry and that anxiety.
    Men can be very insensitive. He is doing such a brave and noble thing but he HAS to take into consideration how it effects you!!!
    Im here if you need to talk.


  2. This widow on your world is heart wrenching in so many ways and makes me aware of the happy bubble I have created for myself…
    I’m grateful for my life and very aware that I need to follow my conscience and do more to contribute and make a difference, no matter how small…


  3. boom chica wowow


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