Dear Cliff


It has been nearly 5 months since your death. Today would have been you’re 24th Birthday…

It is so odd to continue life without your presence. Many of us have felt you envelop us, and only recently have I felt you. What was it that you were trying to say? That it was you who saved me, by making sure I was barefoot when I drove that day when the truck nearly took me out? You know I never drive barefoot. You know that being barefoot allowed me to react in time to slam on the brakes.

When I saw your body, time stopped. It was just me and you. Well, your corpse. You were already in the throes of rigor mortis, your face and body rigid and stiff. I remember each moment – David Greenway crying, Cedric going crazy, and the police and forensic experts stripping your house. They say they found bullets in the bag of potatoes. Maes me think none of us ever knew you, or the fact that you never allowed us to.

I wonder how Cedric felt – knowing you filled up his bowl until the brim, and I wonder if you hugged him tight and sobbed into his fur. I wonder if his ears contain the real secret – the real reason that you killed yourself. I wonder if he watched you pull the trigger, his brown eyes filling with fear at the sound of the bullet ricocheting through your brain. I wonder how long he lay next to your corpse – keeping you company through death. But all there is to do is wonder. There are no answers.

I still think about you.

It was awful not to have you at my 21st birthday. And its awful not to have you every day. I think we take life for granted. I think you took life for granted. And at times, I hate you for it. I hate you for causing us all this pain. I hate you for not confiding in us. I hate you for thinking suicide was the only way. I hate you for making me feel like throughout my efforts to help you it has all failed. I hate you for not being here to comfort me. I hate you for allowing life to get the better of you. I hate you for making me feel ravaged and raw. I hate you for not seeing the progress we have all made without you. I hate you for making it be that there has to be progress without you.

Gina and Paul are my confidants when I wish to speak about you. Aaron had his hair cut – he is growing up to be a proper little man now. and Faith – 6 months old with the most beautiful eyes. It makes me sad to know she will grow up without her uncle, the one who should have used that gun to warn off any potential suitors, and instead used it to take his own life. What an asshole.

After you died, I felt raw, as if my heart was being grated as slowly as possible, without any consideration of how fragile it already felt. I feel bad that on the day of your funeral, as I sobbed over your grave, I asked you to take me with, while Marc held me. So unfair to you, me and Marc. I then felt like I had to be strong for every one else – to be the comforter instead of the comforted, the advisor instead of the advised. I felt more at peace now that you were dead than when you were vibrant with life. Now Pandora’s box doesn’t even hold Hope anymore.

I wonder a lot about you. I remember the good times we had together, and regret that we didn’t have more. All in all, i feel as though you cut short every opportunity that ever lay ahead of us, and in a sense, without consulting me.

Yes, I still feel much anger and resentment. I thought I was coping just fine and then everything unraveled and I was as I should have been just after you died. But this was now 3 months later and I regressed, I became tearful and emotional and full of fury, sadness, resentment and regret. It was a vicious cycle. Today is your birthday, and I am not really sure what is going on inside my mind. Again, sadness because we are supposed to be partying it up with you. Again anger – because they are going to sit at the keg, getting heavily drunk as we remember you for all you were worth. And you were worth so much! What an absolute waste! Makes me very sad, all the way to my toes.

I have just started a new chapter of my life – Midwifery. You know I was so looking forward to this, and finally after 2 and a half years – its here! I wish you were here to share this journey. But as you’re not, I hope you are watching me and guiding me. I hope you come to visit me more often.

Have I told you lately how much I miss you? More than the distance to the other side of the world and back – and then way way more. As my soulmate, there is no cut-off point. How could there ever be one? When you died, you took a big chunk of my heart with you. It feels so odd to have just half a heart. I wonder if you feel it too.

Forever in my thoughts, my darling friend.

Love, Timor.

Advertisements

7 responses to this post.

  1. So beautiful Tim.
    I feel all that too.
    He really is an asshole 🙂
    Thank you for writing this!!!!!

    Reply

  2. I read your blog, and then the first line of Gina’s response… and my mourning is for a boy named Tim, who died when we were 25 in an accident… you already know about that.

    I cry for you. I cry for the desperation Cliff must have felt, because you are not taking your life when you feeling awesome. I know, I’ve swallowed the tablets, just not enough.

    I hear you… and like my Tim, your Cliff is but in the next room… waiting.

    Love you.
    Wenchy

    Reply

  3. Posted by lindy on June 15, 2011 at 20:12

    Oh my Timmy my heart breaks for you. Know that you can always talk to me about Cliff and about you. You are his other half and he loved you so much and cared for you more. You may feel anger and even rage and thats ok but dont let him take you with him. Rather feel him with the peace that I do he covers my face and it tingles and burns and i feel his love and his peace. Sometimes he comes with his dad and the energy is strong it feels like if i let go they will take me with them. it feels so easy there,but no it is not my time i need to make an impact as much as he did.my beautiful granchildren need me to guide them ang just to have fun.i need to be there for matt who most properbaly need me mos. i have to tell my amazing daughter how amazing she is to try and teach her to reverse back our rolls i need to be the mother to look after her.she has held me togethher now i need to give back..the too have suffered great losses.Timmy never forget you can cal me any time day or night my phone is aways on my door always open.you have to go though the whole turmoil of volatile feelings before you can cicle back to yourself and learn to build a new abetter life aroud the pain.as i stood at hi grave today and the tears come from the bottom of my heart i know the choice was his alone. there is no blame we are human we can only go through the door to the heart if that person lets you in and we know cliff let no one in just the occassional glimpse into the first chambers of his heart. Timmy dont question too much make some time to talk to me will be god for both of us.anxious about you darling chid you are my invisable link to my child please come to me..love you lots

    Reply

  4. Posted by Lauren Lowenburg on June 16, 2011 at 22:39

    Sjoe angel, I can imagine how much it took out of u when writing this piece- a release, a process in healing, an acceptance.
    Whenever I read your blog’s I feel inspired, this 1 didn’t fail to have the same affect despite feeling introspective due to the feelings it evoked in me.
    No 1 experience with loosing a loved one can be compared to another and yet the emotions we go thru after the fact r the same- mourning. It doesn’t come with a ‘manual’ nor can 1 predict the way in which our individual mourning is going to play out.
    Does time heal all wounds? Here I sit nearly 4yrs later in a worse off physical and mental state than I did when it happened. So I don’t think mourning should ever be give a time limit. However do I think that our feelings change? Yes I do, because although I’m in a bad space it doesn’t hurt as much, certain fears I had then have dissipated now. And I know things now that I didn’t know then.
    Some days will be better than others but thru all of it, he who passes shall never be forgotten!
    Xxx

    Reply

  5. […] there are beautifully written posts like this one. So raw and filled with deep love and emotions that they move me to […]

    Reply

  6. Posted by Laura on June 25, 2011 at 18:12

    I finally got the courage to read this entry of your blog. Thank you for saying the things that I am unable to voice myself. It really is beautiful.

    Reply

  7. ((hugs)) this is beautifully written. Hope Cedric has a good home now

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: